Where is that goddamn asteroid already
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“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
How all things should be taught/explained.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35