“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.