“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I never needed anything more in my life
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
mmm onion ringos
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.