@DavidAdt1

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

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@WombatDojo

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

@TrainedHedonist

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@Hadzilla

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

@thatdentaldude

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

@BeerFarts101

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

@BuckyIsotope

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

@Token_Geezer

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

@ACartoonCat

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes