Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas