Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
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wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
The news
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣