Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea


The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.


Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*


You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.


5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.


We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.


I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.


Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?


ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*