where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑