Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.