WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.