“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”