Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present