“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m not wrong
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The French word for sex is croissant.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?