Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
You Might Also Like
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Does anyone else鈥檚 wife quiz them about the movie they鈥檙e watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don鈥檛 know why he didn鈥檛 just call a taxi, Linda, I鈥檝e got the same information you have.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won鈥檛 know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don鈥檛 know either.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
me: i鈥檓 proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that鈥檚 awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do