where’s Godzilla when we need him
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My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
got so much cardio in today
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.