Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Autocorrect is my menesis
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
prepare for carbonated trouble
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years