GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Where’s my cell?
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me: *gets out of pool*
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.