@MelKassel GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
@CherBear162 Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
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@MelKassel 
@ProdigyNelson “WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
@Megatronic13 Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
@AlishaMRM I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
@PaperWash Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
@MrGeorgeWallace Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
@joshcomers Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
@ScottLinnen Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
@FlyJ_ You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.