Where’s my employee discount too?
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
*lint rolls you awake*
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.