where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Merica.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass