“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Every BBC series about the universe.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Just say no
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.