*puts baby powder in a crib*
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead
-a valentine from the Predator
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.