@MetteAngerhofer

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

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@HelmdawgE

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

@Contwixt

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

@davepell

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

@AndLive2Love

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

@tastefactory

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

@IamEnidColeslaw

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

@sixthformpoet

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

@_SingleBabyMama

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.