Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Salad is the decaf of food.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Okay me first
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.