Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it