“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces