which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
time for some seasonal decor