Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.