Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
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If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
awkward
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.