Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
No Google it does not
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
@ candidates for local office
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones