Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
You Might Also Like
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
The smoothest fall of all time
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]