Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
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[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!