Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
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ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.