Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.