Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
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Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.