Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.