@BGH70

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@3sunzzz

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

@KalvinMacleod

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

@sanjanaa

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

@3sunzzz

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History