“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.