Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Simple
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Worst Native American name ever.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny