While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
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I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
NASA has no chill
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.