While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You Might Also Like
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before