While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.