While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.