Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

This raises questions

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

first you must answer his riddles

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”