While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Never go to sleep after making me angry
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease