While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.


Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.


Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me


M: alright yea im a lil high


Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling


They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.


And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.


The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.


The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.


*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS