While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
bias laundering edition
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
i like to flex on them by shrugging
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear