While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give