While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

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Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.


[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!


Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.


Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy


ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?


At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.


“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”


My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.


Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.