While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You Might Also Like
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…