While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
#CatsOnTwitter
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”