While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower