[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
You Might Also Like
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.