[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I missed you with all my darts
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.