While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.