While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
emergency phone
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale