While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”