While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
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Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself