[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.


Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.


ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”


[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”


OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.

Love Mom XO


EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented


Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?